Don’t Suck at Being a Dad – Part 1

Do you worry about your kids resenting you when they get older and not wanting anything to do with you? Do you already have a rocky relationship with your kids? Do you want to make sure that as your kids are growing up you don’t screw them up too badly?

Here’s what Papa says: Being a dad is hard, but being a good dad is hard work. However, there are a few tricks I’ve learned so that at the end of every day my kids will hug me and tell me they love me (yes, even my manly 18-year-old son).

I was fortunate enough to have a dad in my life growing up. Our family was poor when I was young, and we had three generations living in the house. Mom and Grandma looked after us kids and Dad and Grandpa worked hard – and a lot. They worked so much to put food on the table and a roof over our heads that they were completely exhausted when they came home and never really had time for me and my sibling.

Now that I’m all grown up (physically, not mentally mind you) my dad and I have a civil relationship but not the kind I wish we had. I took those memories of my youth and vowed to my wife that I would be different with my kids. Here are a few things I did differently with my kids that have made a long-lasting and positive impact on our relationship.

1. Put your electronics away
2. Give them words of affirmation
3. Spend quality time
4. Involve them in your tasks
5. Help with their bedtime routine

Put your electronics away

That phone in your hand or pocket – go put it on a charger in another room. Your tablet – turn it off and put it away. Leave that laptop shut and where it’s at. Yes, electronics are great and snazzy, but they are the biggest distraction we as dads have that gets in the way of being great dads.

Time for some tough love: Your kids see what you do, and they will mimic it so quickly and easily than you’ll mistake their brilliance at being able to use a touch screen for the reality that it is – your kids will have a better relationship with whatever app they are using than with you.

Get rid of that distraction and pay attention to your kids. You can even do this in baby steps! Try having no devices or toys at the dinner table to start with – even if it’s just one meal a week. Once you get that distraction out of the way, you’ll have an easier time progressing through the next tips.

Give your kids words of affirmation

There are three phrases I longed to hear growing up: I’m proud of you. I appreciate you. I love you. I know these get a bit touchy-feely and emotional, and our manly men types don’t do emotions, but as a dad, your kids need to hear these phrases. I am completely guilty of this, but as a dad, I can be quick to offer correction and discipline rather than to offer affirmation.

The adage of “say what you see” definitely applies here. Start small – “hey son, I see you put your clothes away. I appreciate that.” Or if they bring home decent grades try “I see you tried your best. I’m proud of you.” It could be even as simple as “thanks for letting the dogs out. I appreciate you.”

All of this will make a lasting and memorable impact on your kids that will be mixed in with all of the “chew with your mouth closed” and “don’t hit your sister” and “stop yelling” phrases that I’m sure are thrown around.

Spend quality time with your kids

No, this doesn’t mean driving them to school or their sports activity. This is one-on-one time with you and your kid, no distractions, and your complete focus and attention are on your kid. If they’re really little, that means getting on the floor and playing peek-a-boo or blocks. If they are elementary school-aged then you watch them do their spins/tumbles/twirls in the living room or push them on the swings. When they are teenagers sit and have a coffee or soda with them and ask them about their day and just be attentive and listen.

My oldest son is 18, and we make sure to carve out time each day to just catch up and talk – about whatever is on his mind. We also make sure to get out for a dinner and go look at stuff in a sporting goods store. With my 6-year-old son, we go outside and throw the ball, or play in the park, or if he’s been good we’ll even play a Lego video game together. With my 5-year-old daughter we play tea parties, I read her stories, or play dolls. With my one-year-old son, it’s peek-a-boo and we walk around together. And by the way, yes all four are biologically ours and yes, there is quite a spread in ages.

But my point is to make sure you spend quality time with your kid(s). This will greatly impact your relationship and you’ll build some great memories along the way.

Involve your kids in your tasks

I am very much a do-it-yourselfer as my family worked blue-collar jobs. So naturally, when I began adulting I did a lot of things myself – like change the oil in the car, replacing an outlet, rotating the car tires, mowing the lawn, etc.

I remember when my oldest son was about 8 and I was in the garage changing the oil in my truck. I noticed his feet at the side of my truck while I was underneath it. I thought this would be an opportune teaching moment so I got the roller creeper out, and he laid on it and rolled under the truck with me. He thought it was so cool to see under the engine and his curiosity was sparked. Sure the oil change took an extra hour, but he still remembers doing that with me to this day. I was able to show him what each part was on the engine and what it did. He is now an adult and is a complete petrol-head.

I’m not saying you have to be a mechanic to involve your kids, but you could have them help at the grocery store, help cook a meal, or help take the trash out, etc. Anything, where they are involved, will help build your relationship.

Help with the bedtime routine

This mainly applies to younger kids. It might be somewhat awkward if they are teenagers or young adults, but hey – it might work. In our house, we started a routine right away with our firstborn. At bedtime, I would announce it was time for teeth, jammies, and potty. Our kids would tell mama good night, and they would head off to get their teeth brushed, their pajamas on, and go potty one last time.

Once these tasks were done I would tuck them in and then sit in their room with a story to read to them. This is one part of the day that my kids always look forward to – the love story time at night with Papa. When they were really little they’d sit in my lap and look at the pages with me (usually Dr. Seuss).

Now that they are 5 and 6 they will lay in their bed and listen to me read a chapter book. How I wish I had story time at night when I was growing up. Even my oldest will recount fond memories of stories I read to him when he was little, and how much he appreciated that time I spent with him.

Overall, we as dads are going to fail. I know I fail every single day, but I am getting better and I want you to be better too. So learn from my fails. These tips are by far not the only ones to make awesome relationships with your kids, but they are simple and easy to start. I know I want to have a great relationship with all of my kids so that when I’m older and my wife and I can have all the kids over for dinner and have a full table where we talk about fond memories. Maybe my kids will tell their Papa that he’s appreciated and loved. Don’t you want that too?