Don’t Suck at Being a Dad – Part 2

So you liked part 1 and want more, huh? You’re so into the blog that you can’t wait to hear more tips and advice and how to be a better dad, right? 😛

If you’re asking: “Papa, tell me more ways to be a better dad.” Ok then. Here’s what Papa says: you need to set a good example for your kids, so man up (or is it dad up?)!

This can be tough for a dad to hear in our current society, but you as a dad need to set a good example for your kids. There are hundreds of subtle things you might do that you think are no big deal, but they are a huge deal to your kids. Even when you don’t think they’re watching, they are soaking up every one of your habits like little sponges because guess what – you are setting the example of what it is to be a dad. When they grow up they are going to want to be just like you.

Your Habits

If your kids see you drinking and smoking, then guess what. They are going to want to drink and smoke as soon as they can too. I was a kid in the ’80s, and true to the stereotype of being poor, I was surrounded by adults that always drank and smoked. I knew well enough that I was not to touch cigarettes or alcohol, but boy was I wishing I could hurry up and grow up so I could smoke and drink too. That was the example set for me, and I was just a kid. I didn’t know any better. Because of this, I turned to cigarettes and alcohol at a very young age, but I was able to kick those habits completely once I became an adult.

How do you treat people? Your kids are watching this too. Do you scream at the other car when they cut you off on the highway and yell obscenities? Do you treat the wait staff at the restaurant like servants thinking they are beneath you? Here’s a tough one: How do you treat your wife? Do you show her love and respect or do yell at her, call her names, and take her for granted?

I grew up in a home where I never saw any affection between my parents. Their relationship was the opposite of loving. They were always yelling at each other, calling each other names, belittling each other, and constantly bickering. Because of this constant battle I saw in my childhood, I vowed that I would never treat my wife in that manner. My wife and I have been together for over 20 years now and we still act like newlyweds. We never yell at each other, but we do have difficult discussions (what we like to call “intense fellowship”). Our kids only see the best of us, and it is genuine. Our kids see us talking things out, working together, complimenting each other, always saying please and thank you, and yes – they even see us hugging, kissing, holding hands, and cuddling. My wife and I are working to model what a loving relationship is supposed to look like as opposed to what I grew up with.

Man (or Dad) Up!

You are the father to your kids. Don’t forget that! You are first and foremost their father, not their friend. You are to be the source of instruction, guidance, and discipline. We will delve into just what attributes a father should have in a future post, but this is a high-level overview.

You need to make sure that you set expectations for your kids that need to be followed. If bedtime is at 8 p.m., then you had better enforce that. The first time your rules become negotiable your kids will walk all over you. The instant you compromise your rules, you’ve lost.

I grew up watching my sibling get to do everything they ever wanted. They would want to go out with their friends to a party of questionable repute, but my parents would say no. My sibling (a teenager at the time) continually fussed and argued so much that a day or two later, my parents not only said they could go to the party but actually drove them there.

That is not how things work in our house. My wife and I have a philosophy of: “Let your Yes be Yes, and your No be No.” We have a rule where if you don’t clean your plate at dinner, you don’t get dessert. This has been an unbroken rule for decades. Once when our firstborn was about 8 years old, we told him to clean his dinner plate or he wouldn’t get ice cream. Knowing what the dessert for the meal was going to be, he persisted. To get him to eat all of his dinner we then upped the ante. Not only were we going to have ice cream for dessert, but we would go and get the ice at our favorite local ice cream shop.

Guess what? The little man still did not eat all of his dinner. So, once the dinner table was cleared and the dishes cleaned up, we all loaded up in the car and drove over to the ice cream shop. Now, this part was extremely difficult to complete as a loving dad, but I knew it was necessary to teach my son a life lesson. My wife and I both got massive ice cream sundaes, and my son got to sit there with us and watch. Now there was another couple there that saw what we were doing, and the dad decided to call me out on it. The conversation went something like this:

• Stranger: Why can’t he have any ice cream?
• Me: He didn’t finish his dinner.
• Stranger: But you’re at an ice cream shop. Get the kid an ice cream.
• Me: No.
• Stranger: I’ll get him one.
• Me: No you’re not. He knew that if he did not finish his dinner that he was not going to get any ice cream tonight.
• Stranger: You’re a terrible dad.
• Me: Thank you for your unsolicited feedback. I am teaching my son that there are consequences to his choices in life. I am his father first, not his friend.
• Stranger: …

So what habits do you need to break? What habits do you need to start? Do you let your kids run the house, or do you run the house? Was I a terrible dad for not getting my kid an ice cream that night? How do you teach consequences?